We Should Talk About Death

is it different for men and women?

We lost my mother-in-law this week. It was expected, she’s been ill for some time, although it was still somewhat of a surprise when the end came so suddenly. A heart attack and a quick exit before the pain, the morphine drivers and days of unconsciousness that we’ve come to expect with a terminal cancer diagnosis. So, a blessing in some ways and so very like my mother-in-law. She was always a fan of a quick, no-fuss exit. She’d quite often drag us to churches or museums all over the world and after five minutes declare she’d seen enough and wanted to leave. I can’t help but think she’d seen enough of this life and so that was that.

It was a very different experience to losing my father. He died two years ago, also as a result of pancreatic cancer. What I’ve learned is that losing a parent is painful on some sort of visceral level regardless of your relationship with them. In many ways I was closer to my mother-in-law, I had certainly spent more time with her in the last 20 years. I also lost another close parent figure in my life the same year as my Dad. Neither of those losses was as painful as losing him though. Maybe it’s because our relationships with our parents are more complicated, maybe its because of the bond that forms in childhood. Whatever the reason, if you’ve yet to lose a parent you should know that it’s probably going to hurt more than you expect. My husband feels that now and he too was surprised by the strength of the emotion.

This recent loss was also so different because of the way they each faced their own deaths. My mother-in-law was accepting of the situation. I sat with her just last weekend and we talked about how she felt about death. She didn’t believe that there was anything ‘beyond’ and she wasn’t scared of that oblivion. Maybe a little apprehensive about the event itself but not scared. This was the complete opposite to my father who told me how frightened he was. Horrified to leave us all behind, he fought with everything he had to stay as long as he could. It was different for him of course and I shouldn’t compare the two events. He was a few years younger and had a younger family from his second marriage who he was very close to, his youngest daughter still in her early twenties. I still wonder though if it’s worse for men because they haven’t really considered it. Often haven’t talked about their own death at all.

Why is that? Is it the fear? I think we can agree that some sort of fear of death is to be expected and even considered healthy. But as we get older I think we should at least acknowledge that it is inevitable for everyone. Of course, I’m not talking about young or accidental deaths which will always be traumatic and difficult to bear. (In those situations I think you do whatever you can to get through it.) But, if we’re lucky enough to reach retirement and see our children grown then I think we should be able to get to a place where death is discussed and accepted. I see it as another big life event, the last one of course, but much like having a baby there is no avoiding it once you pass a certain point! Maybe that connection makes it easier for women. Maybe women in general just find it easier to talk about their feelings. This study shows that men in terminal care are more reluctant than women to enter into discussion regarding their own impending death in clinical settings. I suspect that would be true in non-clinical settings as well.

Whatever the reasons, I wish my Dad hadn’t been so frightened. My Mum now approaches her 80th birthday and I’m pleased that we’ve had the discussion, that I know how she feels about death and is prepared to meet whatever comes. My advice, talk about it. Yes, it’s sad and not a comfortable thing to think about but it’s coming whether we like it or not. I, for one, would rather face that with my thoughts in order. Of course, like any big life event you never really know how you’ll handle it until it happens to you but I’m hopeful that I can greet death when it comes.

“And then he greeted Death as an old friend, and went with him gladly, and, equals, they departed this life.” - J.K. Rowling